I went to see Clutch play in concert by myself tonight – a band Anonymous Woman introduced me to. They were phenomenal, and the pit was a blast. Still, I lasted about 3 songs into the set before I had to ditch. I had an unshakeable urge to just get the fuck out and get air. After while, I almost went back in, but couldn’t make myself and I wasn’t sure why. Good music, a nice crowd (considering we were almost pummeling each other), and a pretty good mood. Oh well.
I’m able to cope with being around people less and less – I think it’s the burden of trying to keep a straight face and pretend I’m still around and engaged. I’m not. It’s too hard – it’s always been too hard – to hold together a modicum of coherent self externally and more and more I just don’t want to try any more.
Man, spring can’t come soon enough; It feels weird being in a race with yourself.